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England in battle to avoid worst Ashes tour in modern times
How do you feel?
Angry? Depressed? A sense of deja vu?
What about hoodwinked for believing England had a chance of competing in Australia?
Overall, it is probably a feeling of profound sadness.
Realistically, albeit not mathematically, this Ashes series is over in six days of cricket.
England have never come from 2-0 down to beat Australia, who have the added security of holding the urn. Australia have not lost three consecutive home Tests to anyone in 38 years.
There will be no defining series win for the Ben Stokes-Brendon McCullum era.
Instead, this team is battling to avoid the worst England performance on an Ashes tour this century.
There have been some belters either side of a 2010-11 victory that is increasingly starting to feel like a fever dream of sprinkler dances, a Swann keeping a diary and a knight of the realm wearing a chef's hat.
In 2002-03 England lost 4-1 but took hope from the runs of Michael Vaughan. In 2006-07, England's Ashes winners of 2005 were ravaged by injury and felt the wrath of one of the greatest teams of all time.
There has been revisionism about 2013-14. England arrived as favourites, though any team would have been destroyed by Mitchell Johnson. Four years later was the birth of Australia's 'big four' attack. Last time - the Covid tour of 2021-22 - England had no chance.
This? This was England's big opportunity. The most anticipated Ashes series in a generation.
This is why James Anderson was pensioned off, why performances in domestic cricket were largely ignored and why parts of the County Championship were turned into an experiment with the Kookaburra ball.
Australia were supposed to be ageing and in decline - "the worst team in 15 years". Instead, the home side have rissoled England with their reserve bowling attack and opening batter Usman Khawaja out with a bad back.
Steve Smith has been able to spend time revising Monty Panesar's answers on Mastermind, and Pat Cummins felt comfortable enough to go through a charade over whether or not he would play at the Gabba.
All that talk about Test cricket being so different from county cricket? Michael Neser has taken wickets bowling medium-fast with the keeper up to the stumps. Where's Darren Stevens when you need him?
The biggest insult was the Brisbane crowd voting Australia's Bluey as the superior children's cartoon to the UK's Peppa Pig. This England team owe Peppa an apology. She would probably do a better job in the top order.
The most hostile pace attack England have sent to Australia since 1970 have bowled well for one session. Shoaib Bashir, a spinner backed specifically for this tour, is still to play on it.
Wicketkeeper Jamie Smith looks overwhelmed by the occasion. Being pictured not wearing a helmet on his e-scooter must feel like a golden age for Smith, considering the week he has had at the Gabba.
It is England's batting that will cause the biggest recrimination. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results, England have collectively lost their marbles and their wickets.
Drive after drive. Edge after edge. Catch after catch. Bargain basement batting from a group playing like millionaires. Sachin Tendulkar once made 241 in Sydney by deliberately resisting the cover drive. This lot must think they are better than the Little Master.
Actions speak louder than words, but the words are pretty damning, too.
"They always play their shots. If we put as many balls in the right areas they're going to give you some chances," said Scott Boland, who faced more deliveries in the second Test than all of Ben Duckett, Ollie Pope and Harry Brook.
Asked before the second Test to describe the "Australian way of playing Test cricket", Smith said: "Adapting to conditions and what's in front of us, playing the game in real time. [It is] not get back in the shed and say 'we should have played this way, we should have done this'.
Playing what's in front of us and doing it for long periods. If you do that in Test cricket it holds you in pretty good stead.
Contrast that to assistant coach Marcus Trescothick's explanation for England's approach on the third evening in Brisbane.
We are trying to play the way we want to play," said Trescothick. "You have to have a style of play you stick to, don't you?
And therein lies the problem. England have become slaves to their style, stubbornly believing a one-size-fits-all method will bring results in Test cricket.
It was thrilling at first, a much-needed kiss of life to a team that won only one of its previous 17 matches. It produced some superb performances and magic moments.
In the cold light of day, it can be argued England beat the teams they should have beaten anyway.
The Gabba is an eighth defeat in England's past 15 Tests. Away from home they have lost 10 in 14. There has been no win in a five-Test series against Australia or India. If it feels harsh to use a 4-1 defeat in India at the beginning of last year as part of the judgement, India have recently lost 3-0 at home to New Zealand and 2-0 to South Africa.
The Bazball empire is now at risk of capitulation. Pre-series, it felt like defeat in Australia would not necessarily necessitate change, depending on the manner of performance.
Losing 3-2 after a decider in Sydney is vastly different to losing 3-2 after being 3-0 down. England could still win (yes, I know). They could also lose 5-0.
Stokes and McCullum both have contracts until the end of the next home Ashes in 2027. Rob Key manages them both. England and Wales Cricket Board chief executive Richard Gould and chairman Richard Thompson will take the temperature of public reaction - currently boiling hot.
Beyond the management, there are careers and reputations of players on the line. One wonders what they are saying in the dressing room.
Is there enough honesty and maturity to hold one another to account? Is there space in the Bazball groupthink to suggest there might be another way of doing things?
In the aftermath of the Gabba defeat, the comments of Stokes and McCullum were as strong as they have been in their three-plus years in charge. The two alphas publicly questioning the mentality of the England team is something that could come back to haunt them later in the tour.
"A dressing room that I am captain of is not a place for weak men," said Stokes.
Bar dragging in rookies from the England Lions - who are getting hammered by Australia A - England will have to rely on this group of players to salvage something from the tour.
England have not brought a specialist back-up keeper, so Smith is likely to remain in the firing line. There is no reserve specialist opener. The back-up batter, Jacob Bethell, has pretty much been on a gap year, but at least made 71 for the Lions on Sunday.
When a spinner is needed for the third Test in Adelaide, Australia can call on Nathan Lyon's 562 Test wickets. England will have to gamble on Bashir, chosen off the back of a clip on social media and currently without a county contract. His figures for the Lions were 0-115.
There is more than a week until that third Test, time when England will have to justify their holiday on the Sunshine Coast.
When they return from their jollies, they will have the task of keeping the Ashes alive past Christmas.
Fail, and it would be hard to argue this is not England's worst Ashes tour of modern times.
Source: BBC
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