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How to know you are in a healthy relationship? Portland therapist shares 3 signs
How to know you are in a healthy relationship? Portland therapist shares 3 signs based on attachment research
How to know you are in a healthy relationship? Portland therapist shares 3 signs based on attachment research
A healthy relationship is not one without conflict, but one with the confidence that we can get over it together, Jeff Guenther explains.
Updated on: Mar 01, 2026 5:15 PM IST By Debapriya Bhattacharya Share via Copy link Literature and films often paint romantic relationships in an idealised, carefree light. However, such is rarely the case in the real world. All relationships need work, and conflicts are as common as cardamom in biryani. Feeling relaxed when together is a sign of a healthy realtionship. (Pexel) Also Read | Watched Love Story on Netflix? Don't ignore 'dating advice from John F Kennedy Jr's wife Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy' However, despite the efforts that partners need to put in to make it work, there are certain signs that point to relationships being healthy. Taking to Instagram on February 28, Jeff Guenther, a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, shared three such signs based on attachment research. View this post on Instagram A post shared by Jeff Guenther, LPC (@therapyjeff)1. Feeling safe enough to be vulnerable
If a person feels so safe with their partner that they can be vulnerable without the fear of punishment or abandonment, then it is a sign of a healthy relationship. According to Jeff, research that goes back all the way to John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth (in the second half of the twentieth century) shows that secure attachment is built on the belief that one’s romantic partner is “a safe harbour,” and not “a threat.” “If vulnerability in your relationship has ever gotten you punished, mocked or abandoned, that is probably not a ‘you’ problem,” noted Jeff. “It’s most likely an attachment problem.”2. Nervous system co-regulation
The second sign of a healthy relationship is that the nervous system of one partner actually starts to settle down in the presence of the other. This is known as co-regulation, shared Jeff. “Sue Johnson’s research on emotionally focused therapy shows that in secure relationships, partners literally help regulate each other’s nervous systems,” he stated. This means that a person is not anxious around their partner as they are not performing any expected role. They are just being themselves, which actually relaxes the body.3. Conflicts do not always feel threatening to the relationship
In a healthy relationship, conflicts still take place, but they do not feel like a threat to the existence of the relationship. “In a secure attachment, you can disagree, even fight, without it activating an existential panic that everything is about to fall apart,” explained the therapist. Psychologist Dr John M Gottman calls the phenomenon “Positive sentiment override.” This means that even when a couple is going through a conflict, they trust the relationship enough to survive during the hard conversations. Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition. This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them. ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debapriya Bhattacharya Debapriya Bhattacharya is a Content Producer at Hindustan Times. He started his career in 2022, working in newsrooms in beats like education, US news, trending stories, and entertainment. In his new role in the lifestyle desk, he seeks to deliver a balanced blend of research-driven reporting and creative storytelling from health and recipes to art and culture. Science, philosophy, food and pop culture are what pump his veins and help bring heart to his stories. A graduate from Ashutosh College, University of Calcutta, Debapriya completed his Master's degree from the same university in 2022. An ambiverted bibliophile, he loves his solitude as much as he adores stimulating conversations.Read More Conflict Resolution Relationship Catch every big hit, every wicket with Crick-it, a one stop destination for Live Scores, Match Stats, Quizzes, Polls & much more. Explore now!.Catch your daily dose of Fashion, Taylor Swift, Health, Festivals, Travel, Relationship, Recipe and all the other Latest Lifestyle News on Hindustan Times Website and APPs. News / Lifestyle / Relationships / How To Know You Are In A Healthy Relationship? Portland Therapist Shares 3 Signs Based On Attachment Research See Less
Literature and films often paint romantic relationships in an idealised, carefree light. However, such is rarely the case in the real world. All relationships need work, and conflicts are as common as cardamom in biryani.
Also Read | Watched Love Story on Netflix? Don't ignore 'dating advice from John F Kennedy Jr's wife Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy'
However, despite the efforts that partners need to put in to make it work, there are certain signs that point to relationships being healthy. Taking to Instagram on February 28, Jeff Guenther, a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, shared three such signs based on attachment research.
According to Jeff, research that goes back all the way to John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth (in the second half of the twentieth century) shows that secure attachment is built on the belief that one’s romantic partner is “a safe harbour,” and not “a threat.”
“If vulnerability in your relationship has ever gotten you punished, mocked or abandoned, that is probably not a ‘you’ problem,” noted Jeff. “It’s most likely an attachment problem.”
“Sue Johnson’s research on emotionally focused therapy shows that in secure relationships, partners literally help regulate each other’s nervous systems,” he stated.
This means that a person is not anxious around their partner as they are not performing any expected role. They are just being themselves, which actually relaxes the body.
“In a secure attachment, you can disagree, even fight, without it activating an existential panic that everything is about to fall apart,” explained the therapist.
Psychologist Dr John M Gottman calls the phenomenon “Positive sentiment override.” This means that even when a couple is going through a conflict, they trust the relationship enough to survive during the hard conversations.
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.
This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.
Source: HindustanTimes
Related Posts: healthy relationship,secure attachment,vulnerability,co-regulation,conflict resolution
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